Townhouse Incident: Incidentally at the townhouse
by Meowmixmeowmixpleasedeliver
Summary: A tongue-in-cheek take on Townhouse Incident. I love this show, but sometimes it is frustrating and I have to make fun of it. 2nd fic I've ever written, so any pointers appreciated! 1st fic was really dark and kind of weird. This is not dark but definitely weird and hopefully also funny. Enjoy!


Olivia Benson woke up terrified. Today was the day.

Ratings had been dropping, so she knew what she needed to do: have a traumatic experience, and fast.

It made her nervous, of course, because she had a raging case of PTSD, which means that, when it is convenient to the plot, she gets very vivid, sepia-toned flashbacks with dramatic music playing over them. It is a terrible affliction, truly. She had a feeling that if she got kidnapped again, one of those flashbacks might play for the audience, maybe even with a reddish-tinged filter on it. She didn't know if she could go through that again.

But this wasn't about her; this was about the squad. _And by squad, I mean Taylor Swift's squad. I'll never be invited to the next sleepover if my show gets cancelled!_ Olivia thought to herself. And she was right: T-Swizzle could be a real bitch, sometimes.

When the babysitter mentioned how nervous she was when she swung by the townhouse earlier, Olivia knew what she needed to do. She needed to go there, tell no one where she was going, and make sure she would be caught off-guard and without any backup. The name of the episode was Townhouse Incident, for god's sake. She knew some shit was about to go DOWN.

When she entered the townhouse, in preparation for the incident, she was shocked that the bad guy looked so much like Pornstache from Orange is the New Black, and wondered what else she knew that one actor from. Weeds, maybe?

And then, the bad guy really helped out with his word choice, and she realized that he was overtly mimicking that other time she was kidnapped for ratings. It was always good to meet a fan who followed the show so closely that they could quote it. He smacked her up a little bit, because they had gotten a really kickass makeup artist and wanted to see what they could come up with. He also asked her if the picture on her iPhone lock screen was her son, and she had to think about it for a sec because they had literally JUST changed out the baby actor, and she's not crazy good with faces. The father of the family that was taken hostage appeared to be basically dead, but no one cared that much because it wasn't even a sex crime, and we're all here for the sex crimes.

There was no time to linger on that, however, because the bad guys were busy being terrible at their job. There was no money in the house, so the mom had to go to the bank with one of the incompetent hostage takers and Olivia was left to be the mother figure for these two kids, because REMEMBER, she's a mom now. It's all very high stakes.

Olivia went upstairs with the family and the crazy folks and was told to get on a bed because REMEMBER, she was sexually assaulted and this is supposed to remind you of that. Again, the stakes could not be higher. The crazy guy read her texts and he figured out that she's a sex detective, and so naturally celebrates by raping a 16-year-old girl. "But think of how traumatic this is for ME right now,'" whispered Olivia. "I'm a main character. And I haven't been nominated for an Emmy in years."

The little boy was upset, because he could hear his sister screaming, but Olivia told him to watch a movie, and Star Wars is just so goddamn entertaining that he doesn't even CARE about that shit anymore. Olivia got pistol-whipped, because the makeup lady was like, "I can do wounds that are bleeding, too!" and everyone was so excited. Roxie seemed set on staying on the Dark Side, but Olivia knew she could get her to cross over, since people named Roxie are notoriously weak-willed. Roxie got a text on Olivia's phone, and then let her answer without questioning if she'll be sending an SOS signal because people named Roxie are notoriously stupid, too.

"Say that William has a play date with Lewis," Olivia instructed. "You know, in case people missed the obvious parallels this episode is trying to draw to the more interesting ones that included him."

"Pablo Schreiber _is_ a very talented actor," Roxie replied. At this point, Olivia knew she had nothing to fear, as the bad guys were clearly fans of the show.

The girl and the bad guy came back into the room. Olivia apologized for what happened to her, explaining that although it may have seemed unnecessary and exploitative, she was on a show about sex crimes, and viewers would be upset if there wasn't enough rape in it.

Carisi showed up to check on the house and he saw that there was a problem, because at some point in this show, he had become the MOST competent person in the entire squad, which is really cause for concern because he is a moron.

Olivia told the bad guys to go out the back. "Trust me guys," she urged. "I've been kidnapped 47 times. I know how this goes down."

Roxie believed her, both because, as a fan of the show, she knows Liv was telling the truth and because, again, people named Roxie will stab you in the back faster than you can say, 'GIMMESOMEMORECOCAINE.' Bad guy said no, but his eyes said 'GIMMESOMEMORECOCAINE.'

Bad Guy said that Olivia should call somebody she trusts, and she called Captain Tucker, because she has no better friends and secretly wants to make out with him, maybe. _At least I'm no longer getting Liz Lemon's sloppy seconds,_ she thought. She said bad guy's name (Joe, but no one cares because REMEMBER the only character we give a crap about is Liv) and Roxie's name over the phone because she's an amazing hostage negotiator and this will make all of the difference, apparently.

Joe demanded a car, and a pathway, and a helicopter to a private jet and a million dollars and the entire country of Spain and Olivia's undying love and affection and a large quantity of diamonds and the possibility of being able to walk on the moon and a partridge in a pear tree. Tucker said, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever," because he is accustomed to lying.

Everyone negotiated the release of the dad in exchange for the money that the one incompetent kidnapper had gotten from the bank. Joe agreed to this largely because he, like the entire audience, forgot that any of those things existed. Some dudes came into the house in their underwear. _This show really knows its audience,_ Olivia thought. _The sexually frustrated teenaged girls will love this._ Apparently one of these men was actually a member of the main cast now, but no one noticed.

Eventually the car came and Roxie went out to check it but then left because NOTORIOUSLY UNTRUSTWORTHY. Joe was hurt for a second, but Olivia knew that she was super sexy and could convince crazy dudes to do whatever because of that. "You're kind of old for me, seeing as I just raped this 16-year-old, but I'm still into this because it's important to remind viewers that you are a ridiculously gorgeous actress," said Joe.

 _Women over 50 DO have a place in television! And torture porn!_ Olivia thought, smiling to herself.

They all walked out to the car together, with Olivia and the children forming a human shield in front of Joe. Olivia said, "Let them go. Let's bang," but forgot to mention that the 'bang' in question was going to be from a sniper. Joe did let the kids go. The kids really kept their chill, which is good because being held hostage and raped can ruin like your whole week if you let it.

Olivia did a little martial arts move, because she transferred to SVU from the NYPD ninja squad, and then Joe was dead and she was running back towards her friends.

"Noah is fine, you can-"

"No! The ratings! How are the ratings!" Olivia sobbed.

"Up a lot from the same time last year," offered Carisi.

Olivia smiled slightly to herself and sighed. She had done it; now she could rest easy.

That is, until next year, when her boyfriend and her son will both be held captive and forced to watch as she is taunted about things from her past and all of her fingernails get ripped out and also there's a rape in that storyline somewhere but no one's sure where to put that in yet.


End file.
